Finding My Own Voice (Literally) After Vocal Surgery
It all begins with an idea.
Today I’m sharing a very personal story describing why I’m so passionate about body language and the power it holds to shift your emotions.
When I was 17 and playing the role of Dolly in my high school musical (Hello Dolly, that's me...all dolled up) when I found out I had to have vocal surgery to remove nodules, which are like calluses, from my vocal cords. Back then some might say I was LOUD. (I’d rather say I was very vocally active.) I was singing and talking all the time.
I’d lose my voice even after a 1-hour conversation. I ended up sort of sounding like a smoker or someone who had a late night out every night - neither of which was the case!
If a lack of confidence is keeping you from moving forward in your career or relationships, it’s not “just the way you are,” and it’s not “all in your head.”
How do I know? I spent years of my life extremely self-conscious of how I expressed myself.
Vocal Surgery
I had to have a YEAR of vocal therapy before surgery to learn to support my voice and speak in a way that wouldn’t cause the nodules to come back. Learning how to speak in a brand new way involved many tedious exercises, like sitting in front of a mirror with a flashlight in front of my mouth to observe my muscles as I made a sound!
Why me?
I asked my speech pathologist why this happened to me. I knew this wasn’t a condition I caught or that I was born with. I found out it was directly created by my physical habits and the way that I spoke…more like a sports injury. Okay, but I couldn’t be the only person who liked to talk a lot, right?! So what was it about me and my manner of speaking? She diagnosed me with two “syndromes” that I never expected: She called them ETP & NGE.
Eager to Please
ETP stands for Eager to Please. When I would talk I would stick my neck out as if I were trying to get approval, and that would cut off the air in my throat and put pressure on my vocal cords.
Not Good Enough
NGE stands for Not Good Enough. Also, I had a tendency to breathe from high in my chest as if I always thought I could be doing more [and what that did was cut off my air flow] so I couldn’t support my speaking voice.
In fact, she was right. I did feel like this frequently - maybe constantly. My lack of confidence came across in the way I spoke and was causing physical damage to my voice! The fortunate thing about this difficult experience is it called attention to qualities in myself that were really holding me back in my life. In the process of healing my voice, I ended up learning a physical way to transform my confidence from the outside-in.
Reversing ETP - I worked on my posture: Drawing my neck back and aligning it with my spine.
I noticed that when just by speaking from that position, other people took me more seriously.
Therefore, I gradually started to take myself more seriously and became less dependent on what others thought of me.
Reversing NGE - I worked on my breathing patterns: Breathing lower in my diaphragm to support my voice
When I spoke in that way, I noticed that other people responded to me as if they had more respect for what I was saying.
As a consequence, in turn, I started to FEEL more respect for myself.
So, by correcting my muscular patterns, I was actually reprogramming emotional habits that were not serving me well.
This experience forced me to make a conscious choice about HOW to express myself in every moment.
Still, it took me a long time before I could speak in a voice that felt authentically mine. I had to quite literally find my own voice.
This inspired me to pursue degrees in psychology and theater, and research method where actors trained physically to express emotions. I became certified in Emotional Intelligence assessment and in the science of body language.
My Emotive Agility training system integrates all of the above disciplines and a theater concept called rasa. Now I use it to coach entrepreneurs and professional women to become athletes of emotion so they can perform well during the conversations and presentations that shape the direction of their careers.
To learn more about Emotive Agility and weekly tips on body language, theater-for-everyday-life, and emotional intelligence like the Emotive Agility Training Facebook page here.
How to Convey Confidence without Arrogance
It all begins with an idea.
When it comes to voicing your opinions, you might feel like you run the risk of being perceived as anything from a “total doormat" to a "raging bitch” and both can unnecessarily zap your confidence!
IF SO, try this exercise and read on for more tips.
Take a second and think about a time you wanted to speak up in a meeting at work:
Rate yourself on a scale of 1-10 on how you tend to come across in meetings where 1 is Nearly Invisible and 10 is Overly Aggressive.
How would you rate yourself when it comes to speaking up in 1-1 conversations, on the same scale?
→ If you rated yourself closer to 1, you’re probably afraid of coming across as too passive.
→ if you rated yourself closer to 10 you’re probably afraid of coming across as too arrogant.
In either case, would you be more likely to speak up if you could express yourself from the middle of that scale, closer to a 5 - conveying confidence without arrogance?
Sure! But, easier said than done, right? True. You can’t just think your way into confidence.
That’s why I’ve got 3 Emotive Agility tips for you. (Hint: they have nothing to do with shifting your mindset)
Emotive Agility is your power to use body language to manage emotions and impact the outcome of any difficult conversation or presentation.
Here you will learn how to use these 3 body language strategies to increase your Emotive Agility and convey confidence without arrogance.
Open Your Stance
Fronting is facing someone directly as you are speaking. Square your shoulders, hips and toes towards that person. You may feel as if this is uncomfortable at first, even too forward, but the opposite is true. Studies show when fronting you’re perceived as open, warm and trustworthy.
Raise your Gaze
This is an extremely subtle strategy that has to do with eye contact. You may not realize that when you’re speaking to someone in a social setting your eyes tend to move between their eyes and mouth. When someone is speaking to you from a position of power, they tend to look at your eyes and your forehead. To convey confidence, try this subtle shift of raising your gaze from making eye contact to the forehead and back.
Maintain “High Power Postures”
We all know what low power and slouching looks like. Not only is maintaining a tall posture going to convey confidence, but you should also add these touches in as well: keep your shoulders down and back, palms visible, and your forehead and chin out & up.
For more body language tips to manage emotions and perform well under pressure, join my Emotive Agility Mavens Facebook group here!
Can Body Language Change Your Life?
It all begins with an idea.
I truly believe that if you’re on the verge of a breakthrough your body language can change your life.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that one single gesture can change your entire life, but your nonverbal communication is impacting the outcome of every face to face interaction you have. Whether it's...
an interview for your dream job
a sales presentation for a potential client
or a conversation with a friend where you have to deliver difficult news
....the outcome of that situation can shift the direction of your career or your relationships in a way that changes your entire life. And, in every interaction, your body language is speaking for you.
→ Think about walking into an interview with your shoulders rounded, high up to your ears and your voice small - you’ll come across as nervous!
→ If I go into an interview with my shoulders down and back, my gaze level and my voice clear and open, I’m going to appear confident and will increase my chances of getting the job.
Most people only prepare what they’re going to say, not how they’re going to say it. You may not think you have much of a choice over how you come across, but you do.
So, here are two MUST KNOW facts about body language you can use to your advantage:
1. Other people FEEL the emotions you express, so you have the power to shift the emotional tone to impact the outcome of any difficult conversation or presentation
The cool thing is, this phenomena also works in the reverse:
2. YOU FEEL the emotions you express, so you can use your body language to manage your emotions under pressure. I call this power your Emotive Agility.
Whether you’re leveraging this power right now or not, you have it.
I know because I prepare professional women who hate public speaking or get overwhelmed with anxiety to have breakthrough conversations that shape the direction of their lives. When they tap into their Emotive Agility, they stop missing out on career opportunities despite being qualified & so they can feel good about saying what they mean, the way they want to say it.
My framework teaches the exact steps to unlock the power of body language so you can walk into any stressful conversation or presentation without losing sleep the night before.
If you’d like to learn more, download this guide I created for you on “3 Body Language Tips Every Professional Woman Needs to Know to Make a Great First Impression.”
Leave questions in the comments below!
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